We hate to state the obvious, but everyone has a mother.
Whether the relationship with your mom is best described as BFF (Best Friends Forever) or DND (Do Not Disturb), she is always part of your DNA (Dominating the Nest Always).
Growing up we came to realize that all mothers are not created equal.
We were jealous of the cool moms who let their daughters shave their legs in the sixth grade and date in middle school. Sitcoms gave us a full buffet of maternal types to envy, from the perfectly patient Carol Brady to the outrageously out-of-control Roseanne.
If you wished for a glam and globe-trotting celebrity mom, remember you would have been named Aleph (Natalie Portman) or Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow) — or our favorite, Diezel Ky (Toni Braxton).
But whatever your mom named you and whatever name you call her to your therapist, let’s give her a hearty QuirkOut! toast on this special day.
When Anna was pregnant, she fantasized about how special Mother’s Day would be.
Not so much.
Sure, her husband got up early with the baby. Then he brought breakfast in bed, requiring Anna to channel Meryl Streep and act like Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch was all she could hope for.
But with a mother, mother-in-law, stepmother and assorted grandmothers living in the same city, Anna makes more stops than a Southwest flight from Miami to Seattle.
At lunch she dutifully listens to the details of Aunt Ida’s gallbladder surgery and at dinner gets advice from the in-laws like, “Take a nap and you’ll get rid of the dark circles around your eyes.” (If only they’d give her helpful tips, like how to soothe a bitten tongue.)
Anna finally got tired of “Other Mothers’ Day,” so her QuirkOut solution was to create “My Mother’s Day.” It takes place the Saturday before, and the rules are very clear. There’s no cooking, no cleaning and, most importantly, no relatives. Oh, and no breakfast with a cartoon character on the box.
But what if she happens to be a star of “Mothers Behaving Badly”?
The overpriced, overcrowded buffet makes her complain about cold scrambled eggs and overcooked roast beef. But ordering off the menu is a nightmare of dishes being brought back to the kitchen and servers being brought to tears.
What’s a girl to do?
Jane passes along a QuirkOut tip. She chooses a restaurant off the beaten path and a time when no one else is dining. She calls it “dunch” (after lunch and before dinner).
“I pull the server aside before we eat and give him a generous tip,” she says. “I explain my mother majored in complaining at college and not to take it personally.”
And with that wad of cash, Jane not only buys herself a little peace at the table, it gives her peace of mind that no one will spit in her food on the way out of the kitchen.
MOTHER KNOWS BEST
We appreciate our mother’s heartfelt advice (especially when we don’t ask) on virtually every subject on Earth. But here’s the translation of what we actually hear:
“Don’t run with scissors.” (Or in Manolo Blahniks.)
“It will all work out … eventually.” (I’m going to marry the guy my parents hate.)
“Be kind to the kid sitting by himself in the corner.” (Someday he’ll be an IT billionaire.)
“Listen to your mother.” (But with a grain of salt from the rim of your margarita glass.)
How are you spending Mother’s Day this year?