Jiggly thighs and spray tans? Get ready for a cruel summer.

How we love a long holiday weekend!

On Memorial Day, first we remember the brave men and women who served our country. Then we remember that we “forgot” to lose the weight we gained during the Christmas holidays.

That’s right, it’s time for barbecues, baseball and bathing suits. (Cue the women screaming in Macy’s dressing room.)

The pools are open. The windows are open. And our eyes are closed shut so we don’t have to look at cellulite in broad daylight.

After spending all winter complaining about the cold, now we have three months to complain about the heat. Think of it as equal time for the seasons to debate during this presidential election.

So turn up the air conditioning, make yourself a mojito and enjoy this Memorial Day QuirkOut guide.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE SALON

Sorry ladies, but sandal season means you must get a pedicure. No more excuses for those toes that were in hibernation all winter and look like a science experiment  gone wrong.

If you have the flexibility and patience of a master yogi, you can shape and color your toenails at home. But for those of us who can barely touch our toes, we’re off to the salon.

Wendy enjoys her pedicure time. “It’s like taking a little vacation,” she says. “You get to sit in that huge chair and feel like Queen for a Day.” We’d rather feel like Duchess Kate for a day, but who’s going to quibble?

Wendy’s QuirkOut pedicure preparation is not choosing the right polish — it’s choosing the right bra.

Confused? We were too, until she explained: “I once made the mistake of wearing a bra with a broken clasp. The massage chair rolled up my back, the metal dug in, and I jumped so high the poor woman doing my toes got an unexpected shower.”

Yes, Wendy, that would be embarrassing, turning us the same shade as our Russian Roulette Red polish.

STREAKING PROHIBITED

Let this be a warning, ladies.

Now that the Fashion Police have banned pantyhose during the summer, many of us turn to the fake tan to get that sun-kissed glow.

Diane’s QuirkOut tip is to use sandwich baggies to help spread on the golden goop.

“You put your hand in the bag like it’s a glove, pump a little product on the bag, and then glide it around your legs.” The baggie helps spread the cream evenly and keeps your hands from looking like you have a case of Garfield-itis.

Of course, nothing helps when you get caught in the rain and the fake tan streaking down your legs makes you look like a tiger. Yes, streaking was fun when frat boys did it in college, but on your way to a business meeting. As HR reminds us, it’s a major violation of the Golden Rule.

TOP FIVE HOLIDAY QUIRKOUT MOMENTS

1. We always wear sunglasses to protect our eyes — when staring at the hot neighbor in a Speedo at the community pool.  

2. On Saturday, we challenge ourselves to read “War and Peace” — and by Monday we’re back to “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

3. Waxing poetic for Memorial Day weekend means screaming “No!” at the salon when we’re asked, “Brazilian?”

4. In Style may not agree, but we wear black and white, the most popular Memorial Day trend: black bathing suits and pasty white bodies.

5. We remember that to wear tank tops, cross-over bras are required, and to wear short shorts, exercise is required.