Things Women Do | QuirkOut

Quick. Count how many belts are in your closet.

Ten? Twenty? More?

If you’re like us, you have hundreds. Thick, thin, leather, vinyl, plain and even plaid. If you have a macramé version, your age is showing — go directly to Goodwill, do not pass “Go.”

The Fashion Police issued citations because our collection includes belts made from comic strips and license plates. We’ve even spent hours squinting while needle-pointing belts for our husbands. And we don’t think we’re the only gals who keep every single one of those cheesy cheap belts that come with dresses on cheap and cheesy hangers.

How did we end up getting lost in the Belt Jungle? Because we took a detour at Fashion Island, populated by stylists and skinny skinny models who look great with leather-cinched waistlines.

So buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Join us for QuirkOut moments and things women do to get this trend under their belt.

MOVING DAY

On “What Not to Wear,” Stacy and Clinton teach us that to look good in our clothes, we don’t actually have to have a waist (thank goodness, we lost ours at the Olive Garden years ago), we only need to create the “illusion” of a waist.

A belt is the best tool of the trade to transform us from SpongeBob SquarePants into a Barbie doll.

But what looks great in the mirror in the morning starts twisting, turning, falling and making you crazy enough to belt out, “Stop the Insanity.” And that’s just by the time you arrive at the office.

First it rides up to your belly, cutting off circulation and making you look like a cross between the Michelin man and Pam Anderson with emphysema. Or it slips down to your crotch, making you look like you forgot to leave the seatbelt in the car where it belongs.

The buckle moves to your left side, then you move it to your right, then you turn it all around. It’s like doing a leather version of the “Hokey Pokey.” But our QuirkOut advice is don’t ‘shake it all about” or the guy from accounting will think you’re ready to go on a date with him after all.

SO MANY BELTS, SO FEW THAT FIT

Those of us who battle the bulge know the frustration with buying belts to fit at your waist, only to gain a few pounds and find you actually bought a tourniquet.

Jessica knows this struggle well and has come up with a QuirkOut solution.

She explains, “As my weight fluctuates, I store the belts in Goldilocks fashion. One box says “Belts — too big” and another box says “Belts — too small.” The ones that are “just right” get to live in my closet until I break up with my boyfriend and go on a Haagen-Dazs binge. Then the “too bigs” come back to the closet and those in the closet go to “too small.”

The only way we can improve Jessica’s system is to add a note inside the “too small” box reminding her to lay off the porridge.

MARKING MY TERRITORY

Jayelle Hughes, author of “Men Don’t Matter” (which is a big hit at the divorce support group), does not like to repeat outfits. Even when it comes to her jeans. As a freelance writer who works from home, jeans are a staple. But even then, she wants to wear a different pair every day.

Her QuirkOut solution is simple. She leaves her belt in the last pair she wore, as a kind of signal flag that screams, “Danger. Do Not Repeat.”

What a simple way to keep track. It makes us think that we should somehow label those ex-husbands in the same way. Sorry to hit below the belt, guys.

Women love purses. We think of them as storage pods with a strap.

Even the royals won’t leave home without them. Queen Elizabeth always has a carefully coordinated handbag, but it begs the question: What’s inside? Keys to the palace? A cellphone in case she gets stuck in traffic? Her ATM card?

Today, purses are also stylish status symbols. We are as dedicated to carrying the initials of others — Louis Vuitton, Coach, Dooney and Bourke — as sitcom sweetie Laverne was to wearing her own “L.”

Then there’s the famous Hermes Birkin Bag, coveted by A-list celebrities. They’re even willing to put their names on — gasp! — a waiting list to get one. Luckily, you can actually rent it for $1,500 a month at BegBorrowOrSteal.com. Just try explaining that MasterCard charge to your husband.

Yes, getting our hands on designer bags has gotten out of hand. But whether you buy your purse at Neiman Marcus or Marshalls, here are some QuirkOut tips to keep in mind.

THE BIGGEST LOSER

The hottest fashion trend is big purses. We mean big, as in Shaquille O’Neal or an Airstream trailer.

In fact, Kristin Chenoweth’s bag is bigger than she is.   (Looks like the Olsen twins could climb into these bags Ellen DeGeneres gave them.)

It’s all good, until you’re looking for something in that cavernous black hole. You end up dumping your most intimate items on the floor — in front of startled strangers — just to find your lip gloss.

To solve the problem, Pamela came up with the QuirkOut idea of using bags in her bags.

She takes Ziploc bags and puts like items together. Makeup in one, office supplies in another, cough drops and Tums in another.

You get the idea. But her ultimate tool is a small flashlight to search for those bags that sink to the bottom. Of course, finding the flashlight requires a miner’s helmet. Oh, wait a minute, that’s in her purse, too.

PUT THE LITTLE ONE IN THE BIG ONE

“Hooray! I lost 20 pounds!” Jezebel thought, until she realized she was missing her purse.

Without our purses, we feel naked, which is why we’re so reluctant to set them down.

At the salon, do you take it to the shampoo area?

At a house party, do you keep in the bedroom with your coat?

Do you leave it in the dressing room while you go look for bigger pants to try on?

Colleen’s QuirkOut solution is to carry a purse inside her purse. The little crossover version holds her wallet and cellphone, and she simply slings it across her chest when she sets down the big purse.

And when she takes a coin purse out of the crossover, she becomes a human Russian nesting doll.

CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD

All right ladies, step up and fess up about the universal QuirkOut secret we all share.

We carry crazy things in our purse. We’re not even talking about a 20-ounce can of hair spray, or a pair of 6-inch heels to wear when you get to the party, or the slippers to wear on your way home.

After a very scientific survey (asking girls in the ladies’ room at Red Lobster), here are just a few questionable items that can be found in our purses:

• Skinny margarita (to sneak into staff meetings)

• Blow dryer and Nice ‘n Easy (Where were you planning to color your hair?)

• A dripping gyro sandwich (yuck!)

• Cat poop sample in Tupperware (going to the vet, we hope)

• Extra nipples (for baby bottles, of course)

We know you see yourself in some of the items on this list. We just hope your mother doesn’t see these items in your purse.

Reading Jezebel.com – a constant source of entertainment and interesting reads – when I came across this bit of amazing.

Melissa McCarthy tells Ellen DeGeneres this embarrassing but ridiculously funny story of her Spanx fail.

Sometimes the things we love best hurt us the most.  Watch her tell the story here:

We all have been there.  You walk into a meeting that’s held monthly and some woman has done the unthinkable: she’s repeated an outfit she wore a few months ago.

If only she was reading QuirkOut and knew several tips to avoid this grave embarrassment. 

Just some suggestions:

1. Tricky Sticky:  On a sticky note, write down who you wore the outfit with and when.  For example, “The Royal Wedding 2011 with Victoria Beckam” or “PTA Bananarama Fundraiser May 2011″ or “Anger Management Class June 2011″.   Then put the sticky note on the hanger.

2. The Chart:  Keep a list of what you wear to monthly or weekly events or social events with the same group of friends.  If you’re feeling very organized and you have waaaay too much time on your hands, create an excel sheet.  DO NOT save this spreadsheet on the network shared drive at the office, unless you don’t mind coworkers teasing relentlessly.

3. The Daytimer: make notations on your daytimer as to what you wore next to the name of the meeting.  Remember: shoes count!

If you have other suggestions, please let us know.  We don’t want to be “that woman” either.