Things Women Do | QuirkOut

When the neighbor wears her husband’s old T-shirt and boxers to pick up the morning newspaper, you avert your eyes out of embarrassment.

But when paparazzi catch Jennifer Garner wearing Ben Affleck’s briefs in the yard, People turns it into a two-page spread and analyzes her body language to see if she’s headed for divorce.

When a personality rises to stardom faster than you can say “Taylor Swift,” her strange habits morph into a simple equation: Unusual Behavior + Money = Eccentricity. Of course, we know that’s just code for QuirkOut habits.

Are we right, Donald Trump’s hair? You try to stay inside on windy days, don’t you?

So just in case you don’t get enough dirt on E! News or Access Hollywood, join us on a trip to Hollywood to see what we found in the way of QuirkOut! Celebrity Edition.

Cupcake Cologne

We’ve all heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but it’s not practical to bring a homemade lasagna with you to the bars. 

So Jennifer Love Hewitt found a more portable perfume. “I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla in my purse — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck,” she tells Us Weekly.

“Men are attracted to the scent!” She adds, “I put it on, and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!’” Now that’s a QuirkOut secret ingredient.

We also leave the house smelling like vanilla, but it’s from the Ben & Jerry’s we ate standing over the sink. And no guy has ever told us we smell amazing as a result. Maybe next time should go with Eau de Chunky Monkey.

Mandatory Celeb Reading

Of course an article titled “10 Famous Females Confess their Weird Quirks” grabbed our attention.

So imagine our surprise when we found out it was posted on Mandatory.com, a new website/magazine about all things from the man’s point of view.

We just had to ask lead editor Cory Jones about how a man translates this information. Does finding out that Reese Witherspoon eats baby food to maintain her girlish figure ruin her girlish mystique?

Does knowing that Mariah Carey’s sleeping habit — an incredible 15 hours a night while 20 humidifiers mist her bedroom — overshadow her short skirt habit?

And what does he make of the QuirkOut moment that had us in shock: when Jamie-Lynn Sigler of “The Sopranos” and “Entourage” is involved in any theatrical production she doesn’t change underwear in between performances.

Cory promises us that this information doesn’t faze him. “At the end of the day, it proves that celebrities are just like you and me,” he said. “Except they’re much better looking.”

Well Cory, they may be just like you, but rest assured we change our underwear even in between performances of the Real Housewives ‘singing.”

Take-Out Lunch

We loved a little QuirkOut tidbit in the New York Times from Michele Kleier, real estate agent to the stars with the brokerage firm Gumley Haft Kleier.

She worked with a well-known actor who was looking at very pricey apartments. If he liked one, he’d ask the owners to leave, then order in lunch or dinner. Was it just sudden hunger pangs? No, Michele explained, “He wanted to know what it felt like to live there.”

We like to think that if we put our home on the market, Ryan Reynolds might walk in and ask to order in a pizza. But with our luck, it’ll just be our in-laws asking what we’re making them for dinner.

JLo. Madonna. Cher.

What do they have in common? Besides being known by one name? These celebs are in fabulous shape at age 40. And 50. And 60+.

It got us thinking, maybe to look good we need to launch a world concert tour.

The very idea of parading around in fishnets and a leather jacket before millions of people may be what it takes to inspire us to hit the gym.

Then there’s country singer Faith Hill, who posed in a bikini on the cover of Shape magazine to celebrate her 41st birthday. Good for you, girlfriend. We don’t know anyone that age who would wear a bikini to the mailbox, let alone have her picture taken in a skimpy suit. Not even for Cellulite Monthly.

Aging gracefully isn’t easy. Some days just walking gracefully isn’t easy. But there are plenty of QuirkOut ideas for embracing the aging process before it embraces you.

GRAY, GRAY, GO AWAY

The incident happened while Julianne was picking up her son after elementary school. “Bobby! Your grandma’s here to take you home,” shouted her boy’s classmate (whom we’ll call Dennis the Menace to protect his identity).

Exasperated, she immediately called her hairdresser to make an appointment for color. “Honey,” he said, “It’s a recession. Save your money. Call it tinsel and call it a day.”

Julianne realized he was right. There’s so much maintenance time and expense involved, and she just wasn’t ready to commit. Besides, going natural clearly works for Betty White, one of the hippest actresses around.

Today, Julianne holds steadfast to her QuirkOut resolution to stop fighting nature and accept her silver strands – and keep fighting her temptation to kick Dennis the Menace in the shins.

LIAR LIAR

Comedian Kathy Griffin, 51, is not one to mince words. In an article in The Huffington Post, Griffin said, “Ageism in Hollywood is getting worse. At this rate, a woman is going to be considered over-the-hill if she’s not a fetus.”

Her advice to age-conscious women? Don’t lie about your age. Be proud.

Easy for you to be “proud” Kathy, especially when your Hollywood plastic surgeon did such a great job “freshening” your look with a nose job, brow lift, teeth veneers, Botox, facial peel and liposuction.

Sorry Kathy, but we’re going to keep our age private.

Whether you’ve “had work” done or you just work hard to look good, what do you say when someone is uncouth enough to ask your age? Try this QuirkOut reply: “Only my mother and my trophy husband know.” That ought to fend off any follow-up questions.

HEAD IT OFF

A woman goes through a phase when her face has a midlife crisis. Wrinkles have firmly established themselves in prime real estate, but PMS-induced pimples still rear their ugly heads.

Chelsea, at 40-something, was tired of dragging her toddlers into the benzoyl peroxide aisle to buy the same zit zapping cream she used more than two decades ago. And she doesn’t appreciate the looks from teens with their flat tummies and skinny jeans buying the exact same Clearasil.

One day she saw the beginning of a Guinness Record-sized pimple, smack dab in the middle of her forehead. It was the day of her high school reunion. Chelsea made a QuirkOut choice to camouflage it, but not with the skin-toned concealer you’d expect. Instead, she applied liquid eyeliner to disguise it as a mole.

“If Cindy Crawford can be so gorgeous with a mole on her face, so can I,” Chelsea said. Which is true, of course.

How we long for glamorous experiences with our doctors like the kind we see on TV.

We pray to be examined by the handsome Dr. Oz and imagine him staring into our eyes, talking heart to heart — about cholesterol.

We hope for the excitement of checking into “General Hospital” when the building is on lockdown because the vendetta between the Spencers and Cassadines means a hit man took a nurse hostage.

Admittedly we hope never to see Dr. House, which would mean we have a rare feverish brain infection from swimming in the Amazon River.

Women do have very special relationships with doctors, though not the kind of special we imagine an appointment with Dr. McDreamy might be.

No, for us regular gals, doctors are the pedigreed professionals we co-pay to inspect and criticize our every physical insecurity — er, attribute. So no surprise that these appointments inspire lots of QuirkOut behaviors.

Physical Phobia

Bridget could never be a hypochondriac. She hates going to the doctor even more than her husband does. She admits she gets queasy thinking about her annual physical — although she’s seen the same doctor from puberty through menopause.

Now, we’re no Dr. Drew, but we might prescribe going cold turkey on the “Mystery Diagnosis” show she likes to watch if she has any hope of making it through an exam relaxed enough to register a normal blood pressure.

So as soon as Bridget makes her doctor appointment, she dials up another QuirkOut appointment. She puts a manicure and pedicure on the books — scheduled just ahead of her doctor’s visit.

Not only does she feel acceptably groomed for her exam, she basks in the calming effect of a foot massage. It’s the spoonful of sugar scrub that helps the medicine go down.

Kate Plus Eight Plus the Doctor

Lots of mothers confess that during pregnancy they develop crushes on their OB/GYNs. It’s not that strange, really. It’s just a mild case of the Stockholm syndrome — that phenomenon where hostages feel affection for their captors.

Kelly knows this QuirkOut pattern well. She has four kids. “At a certain point during pregnancy, we feel held prisoner by the doctor,” she said. You can see it in the eyes of third-trimester mothers-to-be in the waiting room.

“Week after week, we’re praying for that magical checkup when we hear there’s progress,” Kelly explains. “Or better yet, that it’s time to induce.”

Yes, the doctor is our captor — until the baby comes along and holds us hostage for the next 18-plus years.

Patient Unmentionables

Some doctors visits require a full body scan. A check under the hood, if you will. And this means stripping down to our full glory.

Oh, the dreaded moment of getting into that paper gown. For every woman, it brings up the question: What to do with our clothes? And that brings out our universal QuirkOut ritual.

Whether you’re a slob or an neat freak, you fold your duds into a perfectly tidy stack. Because we can take it when the doctor chastises us for not exercising enough, not wearing sunscreen or forgetting our Flintstones Chewables, but we would never get over her thinking we’re (gasp!) messy.

And of course our bras and panties are carefully hidden in the middle of the orderly pile of clothes. Even though the doctor is about to peek at our most personal zones, we can’t possibly let him see our undergarments.

That’s just way too much information to share.

After some research, we determined that this season, everyone is wearing … what other people say we should wear.

Trendsetters and celebs determine every craze from hem length to hair style. One photo of Pamela Anderson in cutoff jean shorts and Uggs, and suddenly everyone must have a pair of sheepskin boots for summer. Funny, her “Baywatch” red swimsuit didn’t catch on with the rest of us.

In the immortal words of Heidi Klum on “Project Runway,” “in fashion, one day you are in and the next day you are out.” Thank goodness, because currently acid-wash jeans are experiencing a comeback. We would prefer if they had stayed in the ’80s where they belonged. Are you listening, shoulder pads? That goes for you, too.

We love looking fashionably fabulous as much (if not more) than anyone, so here’s a QuirkOut guide to staying on trend.

SUITS ME JUST FINE

In high school and college, Samantha’s style was cutting-edge. She embraced every fad from mod to punk to grunge — with piercings to match.

She knew Doc Martens and a leather mini would not cut it when she started her career as a financial planner. Maybe short skirts suited Ally McBeal — she worked at an office with a unisex bathroom; she could be daring — but not Samantha, who saves her streetwear savvy for the weekends and buttons up for the bank’s 9 to 5 with a QuirkOut nod to her true self. Underneath her chic classic suits, she sports the latest trends — in lingerie.

“It empowers me at the office when I think, ‘If you only knew how good I looked under this dress!’”

Shh, it’s Samantha’s Secret.

FAD DIET

Lisa confirms there is no fashionista more fickle than a teenage girl. Just one month after a budget-busting shopping trip for new school clothes, her daughters asked for the latest “must-have” additions to their wardrobes.

They devised a clever strategy and ambushed their mother in her walk-in closet, amid a meticulously curated wardrobe (think Mariah Carey). Lisa then realized that her girls didn’t fall far from her shoe tree.

So she devised a QuirkOut fad diet that works for all three of them. Lisa allows each of the girls to choose one it-thing — per season. It teaches them to weigh options very carefully. All things in moderation. Like selecting a dessert at the mall buffet.

This is one diet Lisa’s husband happily feeds into.

A MIRROR A DAY KEEPS FASHION POLICE AWAY

Journalist Jennifer Mendelsohn is a member of US Weekly’s Fashion Police. This “top cop” reassures us that if you spend more time in the grocery aisle than on the red carpet, don’t worry about flashing lights in the rearview mirror.

“Having your every outfit scrutinized and potentially made fun of is a special perk just for celebrities,” she says. But Jennifer issues this warning: “It really boils down to common sense. Wear a ridiculous outfit and — duh! — people will probably make fun of you.”

So true. And just here are a few QuirkOut suggestions for staying off the worst-dressed lists:

• Don’t wear anything made of material available at the local grocery store, no matter what you see on “Project Runway” or Lady Gaga.

• Do choose “earth tones” over “bodily function tones.”

• Don’t think that “Forever 21″ applies to anyone over 31.

And whatever you do, don’t wear pajama pants in public — unless you test mattresses for a living.