Things Women Do | QuirkOut

Quick. Count how many belts are in your closet.

Ten? Twenty? More?

If you’re like us, you have hundreds. Thick, thin, leather, vinyl, plain and even plaid. If you have a macramé version, your age is showing — go directly to Goodwill, do not pass “Go.”

The Fashion Police issued citations because our collection includes belts made from comic strips and license plates. We’ve even spent hours squinting while needle-pointing belts for our husbands. And we don’t think we’re the only gals who keep every single one of those cheesy cheap belts that come with dresses on cheap and cheesy hangers.

How did we end up getting lost in the Belt Jungle? Because we took a detour at Fashion Island, populated by stylists and skinny skinny models who look great with leather-cinched waistlines.

So buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Join us for QuirkOut moments and things women do to get this trend under their belt.

MOVING DAY

On “What Not to Wear,” Stacy and Clinton teach us that to look good in our clothes, we don’t actually have to have a waist (thank goodness, we lost ours at the Olive Garden years ago), we only need to create the “illusion” of a waist.

A belt is the best tool of the trade to transform us from SpongeBob SquarePants into a Barbie doll.

But what looks great in the mirror in the morning starts twisting, turning, falling and making you crazy enough to belt out, “Stop the Insanity.” And that’s just by the time you arrive at the office.

First it rides up to your belly, cutting off circulation and making you look like a cross between the Michelin man and Pam Anderson with emphysema. Or it slips down to your crotch, making you look like you forgot to leave the seatbelt in the car where it belongs.

The buckle moves to your left side, then you move it to your right, then you turn it all around. It’s like doing a leather version of the “Hokey Pokey.” But our QuirkOut advice is don’t ‘shake it all about” or the guy from accounting will think you’re ready to go on a date with him after all.

SO MANY BELTS, SO FEW THAT FIT

Those of us who battle the bulge know the frustration with buying belts to fit at your waist, only to gain a few pounds and find you actually bought a tourniquet.

Jessica knows this struggle well and has come up with a QuirkOut solution.

She explains, “As my weight fluctuates, I store the belts in Goldilocks fashion. One box says “Belts — too big” and another box says “Belts — too small.” The ones that are “just right” get to live in my closet until I break up with my boyfriend and go on a Haagen-Dazs binge. Then the “too bigs” come back to the closet and those in the closet go to “too small.”

The only way we can improve Jessica’s system is to add a note inside the “too small” box reminding her to lay off the porridge.

MARKING MY TERRITORY

Jayelle Hughes, author of “Men Don’t Matter” (which is a big hit at the divorce support group), does not like to repeat outfits. Even when it comes to her jeans. As a freelance writer who works from home, jeans are a staple. But even then, she wants to wear a different pair every day.

Her QuirkOut solution is simple. She leaves her belt in the last pair she wore, as a kind of signal flag that screams, “Danger. Do Not Repeat.”

What a simple way to keep track. It makes us think that we should somehow label those ex-husbands in the same way. Sorry to hit below the belt, guys.

We hate to air our dirty laundry in public, but, boy, do we have dirty laundry.

No, we’re not talking about mistakes from our college years. We mean sheets, underwear, socks and, on those rare occasions, workout clothes.

Like something out of a sci-fi movie, the laundry pile seems to double in size every time we turn around. Just imagine what’s at the bottom of that mountain. Since we’ve lost our marbles, maybe that’s where they’ll turn up.

Maybe we’d get motivated if we thought of it as exercise: running up and down to the basement is cardio; lifting the Costco-size liquid All is good for the pecs, and bending to get the clothes from the dryer is a full ab workout.

We admit there were times when we couldn’t get the laundry done and just bought new clothes to get us through the week. To keep you from the same fate, we spoke to Sandra Martin, executive editor of Today’s Parent. Here are her QuirkOut tips to put in the rinse cycle and then tumble dry.

Is the End Near?

Sandra is always trying to reach the unreachable goal. She wants to achieve Laundry Zero.

Is this some clue to unlock the DaVinci Code? Nope. It means that all the laundry is done. Nothing in the hamper. Nothing on the bathroom floor. Nothing shoved under the kids’ mattresses next to unsigned report cards.

It’s a great concept. But for us, it’s as elusive as reaching the Last Five Pounds Zero or Husband Stops Snoring Zero.

In the meantime, we happily follow Sandra’s QuirkOut fluff-and-fold tip. She sorts socks according to color, then puts them into mesh bags. The bag goes into the washer, then into the dryer. Then she tosses them to her kids.

“We bring the laundry into the living room and make a game out of it,” she says. Getting the kids to fold towels with the same gusto as playing Mario Kart on the Wii makes everyone happy.

Sandra assures us that when kids get into the habit of helping, they get better at it. So congratulations, Sandra. You turned the tide on a dirty job by turning it into a teachable moment.

Sticking to our Story

We know there isn’t a Nobel Prize awarded for making laundry easier, but if there were, we’d nominate the person who invented the Tide Stick.

It’s a lifesaver on messy men who insist on ordering barbecue ribs — and on vacation, when your children’s ice cream cones melt faster than the travel budget.

And at the office, Sandra explains. “Working moms are trying to get so much accomplished that they go nonstop. Which means eating lunch at their desks.”

We know these multitasking mamas. Their desks are so covered in crumbs that a family of five could eat off of the keyboard for a week. One drip of nonfat salad dressing on their blouses and they whip out the Tide Stick hidden in their desks. Miraculously, the stain disappears as quickly as their Lean Cuisines.

If only it were as easy to clean up after Frank in accounting — he’s the one who spilled the beans about the boss’s messy workplace affair.

Not-So-Great Expectations

“Life with kids is a roller coaster, and you’re never in control of anything for very long,” Sandra explains.

Her QuirkOut advice is to scale back expectations.

We’re all for that. And we vote to start with the ironing. Buy chic linen clothes that are actually supposed to be wrinkled. And think knits, even for cocktail dresses.

Sandra reminds us, “Don’t iron sheets, which get wrinkled the minute you get into bed,” she says. “I figured out I can be a perfectly functioning person with wrinkly sheets.”

We can live with wrinkles in our beds, too, thank you, Sandra. But not on our foreheads, thank you, Botox.

Big event up ahead: maybe you’re going to a wedding or you’re going to a Christening.  Maybe it’s an award ceremony for the sibling who always wins awards.  At any rate, you can’t be scrambling at the last minute to put together an outfit just to find out that the shirt you need is at the dry cleaners or the only bra that works is left at your boyfriend’s place.  (We’re not trying to judge, only to help!)

The answer is to be prepared.  Our friend Nora told us how her mother handles this vexing problem.  A month before the major event every child had to put all the clothes required for the outfit, including socks, underwear, jewlery, accessories and Extra Strength Tylenol into a baggie.  Sealed and put away in a dark closet for a month, there was no tempation to wear the panties or possibly lose one of the earrings.

Of course sometimes it would grow mushrooms. But that’s a different issue.

A friend used to keep a closet full of the presents her kids got but didn’t end up playing with, usually duplicates of toys they already had.  She’s also unusually talented in actually following through with threats like “if you don’t clean your room, I’m taking that away.” And so it goes right in the gift closet.

Her QuirkOut was that she would save these unused toys and wrap ‘em up and regift instead spending time and money at the store searching for a present.

Which is fine, if you’re paying attention to who gave it to you. Or actually look to see what you’re regifting.

Which she wasn’t.

No, she grabbed the wrong jewelry box from the shelf, wrapped it up and handed it off at a birthday party.  But she didn’t realize it was a regift gone wrong until the next day, when the birthday girl’s mother called to say there must have been a mistake. Because the jewelry box was professionally monogrammed – with my friend’s daughter’s name.

Oops.

At QuirkOut, we don’t judge.  We just learn from others.

How ’bout you? Do you regift? Do you have a regift horror story? We’d love to hear your take on this tactic.