Things Women Do | QuirkOut

Labor Day means the last long weekend — and last road trip — of the summer. It’s time to turn the minivan into a mobile Dumpster and enjoy the scenery during a leisurely drive through McDonald’s and tollbooths.

We start with the desire to spend quality time with the children. Then we veer right down the road to reality — when the fights start and kids get sent to opposite corners of the car with their iPads, DVD players and Kindles. Just like at home.

Part adventure, part torture and so exhausting that you when you return, you need a vacation to recover from all the family togetherness.

So turn off your GPS, because these QuirkOut directions will navigate you through all the things women do on long-weekend trips.

GERM WARFARE

The hotel desk staff is delighted to see us coming, but that’s nothing compared with the glee of gazillions of germs waiting to greet us in our room. If you were foolish enough to watch the exposés on “Dateline,” you know you’re safer going into combat than sleeping in a hotel bed. 

That precious phrase, “Sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite,” takes on a whole new meaning in the face of actual bedbugs, doesn’t it?

Thank goodness we can learn from Josette, a seasoned road warrior with good QuirkOut sense.

She arrives prepared. First, she puts her own sheets on top of the bedspread, so none of the family ever touches the human-skin-encrusted throw. Then she puts a baggie around the remote control (considered germier than the New York subway system).

Finally, she replaces the glasses in the bathroom with Dixie cups and sprays disinfectant like the Real Housewives of New Jersey use Aqua Net.

It may seem excessive, but her family happily waits in the lobby while Josette fumigates the room.  It’s a lot easier than falling asleep in a hazmat suit.

CLEANING FOR THE BITTER END

When you’re leaving on a trip, there’s so much to do. You buy travel guides. You plan your wardrobe for every weather contingency. And you even break in comfortable shoes (yikes!).

But there’s the big preparation before departure. We must clean our homes. Like we were putting them on the market to sell.

“What if we die on the road? Imagine what our relatives would think if they saw our dirty house?” Anette asks.

Her QuirkOut clean sweep gets every bit of laundry finished, including the linen napkins she never washed after Easter. Wood floors need to be polished. Closets must be reorganized before she can even think of organizing the packing.

We all hope that Anette’s worst fears won’t come true. But what’s really comforting is that when she returns from the trip, for those first 10 seconds, she actually lives in a clean house.

An actual clean house? Now there’s a vacation worth dreaming about.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

We understand there are restaurants and grocery stores and 7-Elevens in every part of these United States. But somehow when we travel, we aren’t sure we’ll be able to make it from one meal to the next. 

So Marjorie makes a QuirkOut stockpile of food before she departs, especially when traveling by plane. “I’ve read stories about people being stuck on the tarmac for eight hours,” she reasons.

She stashes protein bars in her purse, crackers in her kids’ backpacks and checks an extra-large Samsonite stuffed with teeny boxes of Cheerios, always great for breakfast with boxed soy milk. (Oh, yes, there is!)

Marjorie makes her final food prep taking great care to book the family in hotels with a free continental breakfast. You know, just in case the luggage gets lost.

One insider tip: It’s tricky getting mashed potatoes and gravy through security, but if you pack it in a 3-ounce container and call it moisturizer, no one’s the wiser.

Don’t you just love the proud new papas, pulling out smart phones to show off photos or (please God, no) videos of their kids.

You’re welcome!

They go on and on at the office about the cutest thing little Billy or Colton or Madison did. And they turn down a baseball game with the guys for Little League with the kids.

Yes, they’ve turned into mothers.

But we’re all for it, whether it’s Ben Affleck toting around baby Samuel in a sling or Brad Pitt marrying his baby mama because the kids kept asking why their parents aren’t married.

It just gives us a little tingle to know that fathers are filling up with the same impossible expectations we set for ourselves. (Or maybe our threats to find trophy husbands have started to work.)

Father may know best, but QuirkOut wisdom is better at explaining things women do to make Father’s Day special.

BALANCING ACT 

When we give gifts to our husbands on Father’s Day, our hearts are in the right place, but sometimes our heads may be in divorce court.

We hate to be so petty, but we have to admit that we play QuirkOut tit-for-tat when it comes to presents. So does Sally. First, she estimates what hubby spent on her for Mother’s Day, and then she matches it. Penny for penny.

The year he bought her a potted plant from Walmart, she gave him a bad tie from Goodwill. But after he got her an Anne Klein watch, she found the time to get him an iPhone4s.

Sally looks at it this way. If she calculated what it really cost her to be a mother — labor pains, sore breasts and lingering baby fat included — she should get a diamond tennis bracelet or better yet, a diamond tennis court. Then she’d happily volley back and keep the score at love-love.

JUST WHAT SHE HAD IN MIND

For years, Lizzy watched “Dancing with the Stars” and dreamed that she and her husband could tango the night away. Right dream, wrong man.

Before

Lenny was so uncoordinated, he was lucky to walk upright.

Poor Lizzy. If she wanted to boogie at weddings, she had to coerce the nearest guy — a groomsman, a cousin or the unsuspecting ring bearer.

After!

But Lizzy hatched a QuirkOut scheme to get them together on the dance floor. She coached her little girl to ask her father, “Daddy, will you teach me how to dance?” When Lenny looked into those big brown eyes, he melted faster than fondue in Switzerland.

Lizzy ceased the misty-eyed moment to sign them up for a class. Then she dipped a little lower by giving the lessons to Lenny as his Father’s Day gift.

Nice footwork Lizzy. We like your smooth move from the living room to the ballroom. Cha-cha-cha.

GOLF WIDOWS UNITE

Caddyshack. A classic.

The best way for Mallory’s husband to celebrate his role as father of three young sons is to spend the day away from his three young sons. It’s not that he doesn’t love them; it’s that he loves golf almost as much.

Golfing is his passion and, as Mallory explains, “It’s a mistress I can never compete with no matter how skinny I get.”

She gets teed off every time he tees off, but on Father’s Day she lets him play without penalty. It’s her QuirkOut concession. And it works out well for her, too. He’s so relaxed after spending a day on the links that he’s delighted to take over with the boys. And Mallory gets a few hours to herself.

This is one Hallmark holiday that makes them both happy. But stay tuned next weekend when there’s another round of fighting about his hobby. Sorry Mallory, guess it’s just par for the course.

Thank you, AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

We hate to state the obvious, but everyone has a mother.

Whether the relationship with your mom is best described as BFF (Best Friends Forever) or DND (Do Not Disturb), she is always part of your DNA (Dominating the Nest Always).

Growing up we came to realize that all mothers are not created equal.

We were jealous of the cool moms who let their daughters shave their legs in the sixth grade and date in middle school. Sitcoms gave us a full buffet of maternal types to envy, from the perfectly patient Carol Brady to the outrageously out-of-control Roseanne.

If you wished for a glam and globe-trotting celebrity mom, remember you would have been named Aleph (Natalie Portman) or Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow) — or our favorite, Diezel Ky (Toni Braxton).

But whatever your mom named you and whatever name you call her to your therapist, let’s give her a hearty QuirkOut! toast on this special day.

MOM-ME

When Anna was pregnant, she fantasized about how special Mother’s Day would be.

Not so much.

Sure, her husband got up early with the baby. Then he brought breakfast in bed, requiring Anna to channel Meryl Streep and act like Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch was all she could hope for.

But with a mother, mother-in-law, stepmother and assorted grandmothers living in the same city, Anna makes more stops than a Southwest flight from Miami to Seattle.

At lunch she dutifully listens to the details of Aunt Ida’s gallbladder surgery and at dinner gets advice from the in-laws like, “Take a nap and you’ll get rid of the dark circles around your eyes.” (If only they’d give her helpful tips, like how to soothe a bitten tongue.)

Anna finally got tired of “Other Mothers’ Day,” so her QuirkOut solution was to create “My Mother’s Day.” It takes place the Saturday before, and the rules are very clear. There’s no cooking, no cleaning and, most importantly, no relatives. Oh, and no breakfast with a cartoon character on the box.

TOUGH LOVE

The pressure is on to honor your mother for her love, dedication and stretch marks.  

But what if she happens to be a star of “Mothers Behaving Badly”?

The overpriced, overcrowded buffet makes her complain about cold scrambled eggs and overcooked roast beef. But ordering off the menu is a nightmare of dishes being brought back to the kitchen and servers being brought to tears.

What’s a girl to do?

Jane passes along a QuirkOut tip. She chooses a restaurant off the beaten path and a time when no one else is dining. She calls it “dunch” (after lunch and before dinner).

“I pull the server aside before we eat and give him a generous tip,” she says. “I explain my mother majored in complaining at college and not to take it personally.”

And with that wad of cash, Jane not only buys herself a little peace at the table, it gives her peace of mind that no one will spit in her food on the way out of the kitchen.

MOTHER KNOWS BEST

We appreciate our mother’s heartfelt advice (especially when we don’t ask) on virtually every subject on Earth. But here’s the translation of what we actually hear:

“Beauty’s only skin deep.” (I better make an appointment with the dermatologist.) 

“Don’t run with scissors.” (Or in Manolo Blahniks.)

“It will all work out … eventually.” (I’m going to marry the guy my parents hate.)

“Be kind to the kid sitting by himself in the corner.” (Someday he’ll be an IT billionaire.)

“Listen to your mother.” (But with a grain of salt from the rim of your margarita glass.)

How are you spending Mother’s Day this year?

Who came up with the silly idea of putting 24 hours in a day? We’d like an amendment to transform that into 30.

With our overscheduled and overstressed lives, imagine what we could do with those extra hours. We could actually read Real Simple and use it to plan our new relaxed lives. Or we could make a flow chart to help us understand what was happening in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.”

But unless we can get hold of Hermione Granger’s Time-Turner, we’re stuck jamming too many tasks into too few hours. That’s why we’re always running late.

Thank goodness we have a few QuirkOut time savers designed to take back a little of our hectic days.

FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES

Joey is always running late. Late as in David Letterman. And Vivica is always early, like crocuses in February. So naturally they married each other. And naturally they’ve been fighting about it ever since.

“I refuse to get to the concert before the band arrives,” he’s argued.  

“Stop putting up drywall and get into your tuxedo for my niece’s wedding,” she’s said.

And he’s reasoned, “Calm down, the doctor can’t start the procedure without you.”

Their biggest problem was getting to the airport. After too many nail-biting rides and missed planes, Vivica came up with a QuirkOut answer. It’s a twist on separate vacations — they take their own cars and yes, pay two long-term parking charges.

Vivica checks her luggage, casually walks through security, then gives herself a pre-vacation manicure while waiting. Joey rushes onto the plane at the very last second. His wife greets him with a big kiss and a hot latte from Starbucks. “I vowed to stay with him till death do us part … or until they close the door at the gate.”

TIME TRAVEL

Since grade school, Judy and her BFF Ginny love time together shopping, gossiping and finding fault with their boyfriends. The problem is that Ginny is a bit ditzy.

“It used to drive me crazy until I figured out how to make a QuirkOut time shift,” Judy explains.

If they are going to have breakfast, Judy blocks out “lunch” on her calendar. If they have a lunch date, Judy dresses for drinks at happy hour.

“Basically I just shift our plans forward one notch.”

What happens if they’re going out for dinner? Judy falls asleep on the couch wearing a sleep mask until the phone rings at midnight. They meet at the all-night diner — pancakes for her and pot roast for Judy.

It’s like living in different time zones — in the same city.

MORNING MAYHEM

Frantic is not a strong enough word to describe MaryEllen’s mornings. It’s like Cirque de Soleil meets Roseanne.

For this seventh-grade math teacher with five kids — including 2-year-old twins — the family is always running late. Getting out the door requires choreographed steps to make lunches, break up fights and remove foreign objects from noses.

To make things run smoother, she has a personal QuirkOut habit. Each night she checks the weather on the local news and then lays out her outfit for the next day: dress, shoes, jewelry, stockings and even the right bra.

She figures it saves her 10 minutes a day times 260 work days — or 44.3 hours a year.

It gets stormy if she has to rethink her wardrobe because the weatherman was wrong. That’s an extra 15 minutes to dress and 10 minutes to curse him out. You do the math!