Things Women Do | QuirkOut

Remember when skyrockets in flight meant an afternoon delight? Now it means driving across county lines to the fireworks shack for bottle rockets, then to Home Depot for a fire extinguisher. We pray that when the kids shoot off Roman candles it doesn’t bring down the house — or an empire.

How can we not love a holiday that requires baking a cake that looks like the American flag? Or patriotic parfaits with red and blue Jell-O, topped with homemade whipped cream (oh, admit it, it’s Cool Whip).  

This is the one day that Old Glory doesn’t refer to your husband’s college years. Instead it’s plastered on the front of your family’s matching Old Navy T-shirts.

But before you fire up the grill, light up some QuirkOut sparklers in honor of things women do to let freedom ring.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Every year Janice takes her family to a park for the spectacular fireworks display. She serves cold cuts and then gets hot under the collar when the kids run between blankets like they were NASCAR drivers. Eventually everyone gets settled down for the big show.

There’s just one problem. After the final boom blasts, the crowds head to their cars to spend hours waiting to get out of the parking garages. But Janice won’t let anything rear end her fun. Her QuirkOut plan is to park right next to the “up” ramp. Then she simply drives down the empty lane. It takes a little maneuvering. So Janice is in the driver’s seat and her husband goes along for the ride. And the kids? They’re in the back seat, paying close attention so they can demonstrate this special skill for their driver’s ed teachers.

LOST AND FOUND

We can’t wait for the holiday festivals. That’s when we pay heartfelt tribute to the founding fathers by watching grown men snarf hot dogs in the name of friendly competition. When it’s over, please pass them the Tums, then be a good citizen and eat your deep fried Twinkies, the official sponsor of July 4.

Betsy loves all this chaos. But she won’t leave home without her secret weapon — and it’s not SPF 1,000 sunscreen or Guerilla Warfare bug spray. It’s her black Sharpie.

Because while we gather to honor the birth of our country, she honors the birth of her children — by making sure they come back home with her. She takes that permanent marker and writes her cell phone number on their arms. This way, if they wander in search of cotton candy to maintain their sugar buzz, some kind stranger can call her to pick them up. Think of it as family FedEx for federal holidays.

Sure, it takes several days of scrubbing to remove the black ink, but she’ll take that over digging through the lost and found any day.

COOL DOWN BABY

It’s the middle of summer and we’re sweating more than the producers waiting for Lindsay Lohan to show up every day on the set of the Elizabeth Taylor movie.

It’s hard to look sophisticated while using a napkin to wipe the flowing perspiration off your brow and your bra. And there’s no wearing a nightie to the

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neighborhood picnic, no matter how many times you’ve worn it to drive carpool.

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How we love a long holiday weekend!

On Memorial Day, first we remember the brave men and women who served our country. Then we remember that we “forgot” to lose the weight we gained during the Christmas holidays.

That’s right, it’s time for barbecues, baseball and bathing suits. (Cue the women screaming in Macy’s dressing room.)

The pools are open. The windows are open. And our eyes are closed shut so we don’t have to look at cellulite in broad daylight.

After spending all winter complaining about the cold, now we have three months to complain about the heat. Think of it as equal time for the seasons to debate during this presidential election.

So turn up the air conditioning, make yourself a mojito and enjoy this Memorial Day QuirkOut guide.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE SALON

Sorry ladies, but sandal season means you must get a pedicure. No more excuses for those toes that were in hibernation all winter and look like a science experiment  gone wrong.

If you have the flexibility and patience of a master yogi, you can shape and color your toenails at home. But for those of us who can barely touch our toes, we’re off to the salon.

Wendy enjoys her pedicure time. “It’s like taking a little vacation,” she says. “You get to sit in that huge chair and feel like Queen for a Day.” We’d rather feel like Duchess Kate for a day, but who’s going to quibble?

Wendy’s QuirkOut pedicure preparation is not choosing the right polish — it’s choosing the right bra.

Confused? We were too, until she explained: “I once made the mistake of wearing a bra with a broken clasp. The massage chair rolled up my back, the metal dug in, and I jumped so high the poor woman doing my toes got an unexpected shower.”

Yes, Wendy, that would be embarrassing, turning us the same shade as our Russian Roulette Red polish.

STREAKING PROHIBITED

Let this be a warning, ladies.

Now that the Fashion Police have banned pantyhose during the summer, many of us turn to the fake tan to get that sun-kissed glow.

Diane’s QuirkOut tip is to use sandwich baggies to help spread on the golden goop.

“You put your hand in the bag like it’s a glove, pump a little product on the bag, and then glide it around your legs.” The baggie helps spread the cream evenly and keeps your hands from looking like you have a case of Garfield-itis.

Of course, nothing helps when you get caught in the rain and the fake tan streaking down your legs makes you look like a tiger. Yes, streaking was fun when frat boys did it in college, but on your way to a business meeting. As HR reminds us, it’s a major violation of the Golden Rule.

TOP FIVE HOLIDAY QUIRKOUT MOMENTS

1. We always wear sunglasses to protect our eyes — when staring at the hot neighbor in a Speedo at the community pool.  

2. On Saturday, we challenge ourselves to read “War and Peace” — and by Monday we’re back to “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

3. Waxing poetic for Memorial Day weekend means screaming “No!” at the salon when we’re asked, “Brazilian?”

4. In Style may not agree, but we wear black and white, the most popular Memorial Day trend: black bathing suits and pasty white bodies.

5. We remember that to wear tank tops, cross-over bras are required, and to wear short shorts, exercise is required.