Things Women Do | QuirkOut

There’s a little Laverne and Shirley in all of us gals. Whether our life is more like “Modern Family” or “Leave it to Beaver,” something we’ve done could easily become a sitcom episode.

A perfect example — when we hide something we purchased. No Winona Ryder sticky finger tactics here. We’re talking about blowing through Nordstrom on a spending spree, then stashing the haul with all the charm and grace of Lucille Ball cramming chocolates in her mouth.

We’ve all been known to sneak the evidence of a shopping trip into the house, for whatever reason. For now, let’s leave it to the CSI: Galleria team to determine the motives.

Just keep this quiet and we’ll share QuirkOut secrets about things women do to hide what they’re buying.

SHADES OF EMBARRASSMENT

Hortence has lots of friends who are talking about “50 Shades of Grey,” but she decided a “good girl” would never have that book on the shelf. Then one day when her flight home was delayed for hours at O’Hare, she suddenly got the urge to see what all the fuss was about.

She certainly couldn’t let the people waiting at the gate (including co-workers and a longtime friend of her mother’s) see her reading this best-seller. So her QuirkOut
mile-long journey took her from terminal 1 to terminal 5, where she bought the book from a handsome clerk who winked when he handed her the package.

Hortence, we don’t know how you read the book incognito on the flight, but we’re sure it involved those fake glasses with the big plastic nose, which you must keep stashed in your carry-on.

When it comes to getting the sequels, however, we’ll leave you with three words of wisdom: Buy a Kindle.

SHHH! IT’S FOR SALE

When Zelda and her best friend, Mary, want to buy something that they know their husbands will object to, they become QuirkOut undercover agents.

They hold a secret garage sale. Well, at least it’s a secret to their husbands.

First, they put an ad on Craigslist (which the guys never read), and then they scour their homes for blenders, outgrown kids clothes and the Jane Fonda workout videos Zelda got as a gift from her passive-aggressive mother-in-law.

On the day of the sale, like trained soldiers from special operations, they spring into action. Everything gets priced and then displayed with flair on card tables. Sipping Bloody Marys, the gals welcome the shoppers as easily as they welcome a little mad money.

“We’ve turned our earnings into spa days and very expensive designer shoes,” Zelda admits.

Income from the next garage sale is earmarked for the “Girls Weekend in Vegas” fund. Good luck keeping that one from the hubbies, ladies! But our lips are sealed. We know that what happens at the garage sale stays at the garage sale.

DON’T LOOK UNDER THE COUCH

The best part of Francesca’s job at Crate & Barrel — besides being surrounded by beautiful furniture and accessories — is her employee discount. Of course, this means that most of her paycheck shows up in her home décor instead of her bank account.

Hey, we wouldn’t be able to resist, either. But when her husband put his foot down (on a Metropolis carpet) and sat her down (in a Chloe leather chair) to explain that they didn’t need anything else for the house, she came up with a QuirkOut plan.

She began sneaking in purchases and hiding them anywhere he wouldn’t look, like behind the ironing board and under a stack of bed sheets in the linen closet.

Her system was working quite well — slowly mixing in the new items — until last spring when her husband was transferred. When the movers lifted the couch, they exposed a treasure trove of platters, silverware and candles, and Francesca was busted.

Now that’s the episode of “Hoarders” we’d tune in to watch.

What have you ever snuck into your house so your husband wouldn’t see?

In today’s economy, we’re all trying to save a buck here and there. The ultimate goal is to send our kids to college or even send them to the latest Pixar movie before it ends up in the $2 DVD bin.

All of us have a frugal side. Maybe it’s not ordering an appetizer when you’re out to dinner or (horror) using store-bought polish instead of having your tiara professionally detailed.

It’s part mind-set and part mind over matter, like the gals who stock up on generic toilet paper at Walmart and then hit the Last Call Sale at Neiman Marcus. Go figure.

And who knew that celebrities like a good deal, too? We thought they only shopped on Rodeo Drive. So imagine our surprise when we saw a photo of Britney Spears trolling the Target aisles (check out wetpaint.com). No fair that she’s accompanied by a body guard when we can’t even get our boyfriends to join us.

Ladies, get out your wallets because it’s time for QuirkOut tips about things women do to save money.

DIVING FOR DOLLARS

The dollar store is our QuirkOut delight. Where else can we stock up on “Florox” disinfecting cleaner that eliminates 9.99 percent of germs?

We can’t resist the book section even if they’re slightly dated. After all, who doesn’t want to read the abridged version of “Gone with the Wind”? 

Birthday cards are two for $1 (take that, Hallmark store). Sure, they misspell a few words and the cover art looks like something hanging in your granny’s living room, but it’s the thought that counts (and the money we save.)

Are the deals really that good? Ask Annette who saw SOLO cups at $1 for 15, but actually ran to the supermarket next door for a price check ($3.85 for 36), then went back to buy them at the discount chain.

Before you laugh, remember what Benjamin Franklin taught us, “A penny saved is a penny earned” and 100 pennies saved earns you a lot at the dollar store.

THE AVERAGE SHOPPING SYSTEM

The end of summer means big end-of-summer sales, which means a big shopping day for Angela. She always brings her credit cards and a calculator.

She gleefully rummages through the racks, grabbing clothes with feverish abandon. In the dressing room, excitement builds knowing that the clothes she loves to wear are at prices she loves to pay.

But the moment of truth arrives when Angela has to decide exactly what to purchase. Items that are deeply discounted are no-brainers. But what about something that’s a measly 10 percent off?

Here’s her QuirkOut math moment. She averages the percentages: If the shirt is 85 percent off, the tunic is 70 percent off and the pantsuit is 10 percent off, the average discount is 55 percent

That’s a winning number for Angela, who buys everything lickity split.

In case math confuses you, here’s a refresher: If a = b and b = c then c = CHARGE!

HIDE AND SEEK

What to do when you’re shopping and find the perfect dress/jacket/top only to realize the store is putting it on sale next week?

We’ve all had to try to find true north on this moral compass. But Lulu has no QuirkOut conscience. Having grown up with six siblings, her motto is, “Get it while you can.”

Like a pirate, Lulu buries her booty where other shoppers would never look, like hiding a bikini with the winter parkas or skinny jeans among the bathrobes.

When the clearance starts, she hunts down her clothes. It all works out so long as the store detective hasn’t discovered them first, or worse, catches her on the security camera doing a happy dance when she finds her buried treasure.

Don’t you just love the proud new papas, pulling out smart phones to show off photos or (please God, no) videos of their kids.

You’re welcome!

They go on and on at the office about the cutest thing little Billy or Colton or Madison did. And they turn down a baseball game with the guys for Little League with the kids.

Yes, they’ve turned into mothers.

But we’re all for it, whether it’s Ben Affleck toting around baby Samuel in a sling or Brad Pitt marrying his baby mama because the kids kept asking why their parents aren’t married.

It just gives us a little tingle to know that fathers are filling up with the same impossible expectations we set for ourselves. (Or maybe our threats to find trophy husbands have started to work.)

Father may know best, but QuirkOut wisdom is better at explaining things women do to make Father’s Day special.

BALANCING ACT 

When we give gifts to our husbands on Father’s Day, our hearts are in the right place, but sometimes our heads may be in divorce court.

We hate to be so petty, but we have to admit that we play QuirkOut tit-for-tat when it comes to presents. So does Sally. First, she estimates what hubby spent on her for Mother’s Day, and then she matches it. Penny for penny.

The year he bought her a potted plant from Walmart, she gave him a bad tie from Goodwill. But after he got her an Anne Klein watch, she found the time to get him an iPhone4s.

Sally looks at it this way. If she calculated what it really cost her to be a mother — labor pains, sore breasts and lingering baby fat included — she should get a diamond tennis bracelet or better yet, a diamond tennis court. Then she’d happily volley back and keep the score at love-love.

JUST WHAT SHE HAD IN MIND

For years, Lizzy watched “Dancing with the Stars” and dreamed that she and her husband could tango the night away. Right dream, wrong man.

Before

Lenny was so uncoordinated, he was lucky to walk upright.

Poor Lizzy. If she wanted to boogie at weddings, she had to coerce the nearest guy — a groomsman, a cousin or the unsuspecting ring bearer.

After!

But Lizzy hatched a QuirkOut scheme to get them together on the dance floor. She coached her little girl to ask her father, “Daddy, will you teach me how to dance?” When Lenny looked into those big brown eyes, he melted faster than fondue in Switzerland.

Lizzy ceased the misty-eyed moment to sign them up for a class. Then she dipped a little lower by giving the lessons to Lenny as his Father’s Day gift.

Nice footwork Lizzy. We like your smooth move from the living room to the ballroom. Cha-cha-cha.

GOLF WIDOWS UNITE

Caddyshack. A classic.

The best way for Mallory’s husband to celebrate his role as father of three young sons is to spend the day away from his three young sons. It’s not that he doesn’t love them; it’s that he loves golf almost as much.

Golfing is his passion and, as Mallory explains, “It’s a mistress I can never compete with no matter how skinny I get.”

She gets teed off every time he tees off, but on Father’s Day she lets him play without penalty. It’s her QuirkOut concession. And it works out well for her, too. He’s so relaxed after spending a day on the links that he’s delighted to take over with the boys. And Mallory gets a few hours to herself.

This is one Hallmark holiday that makes them both happy. But stay tuned next weekend when there’s another round of fighting about his hobby. Sorry Mallory, guess it’s just par for the course.

Are you seeing red? Everywhere?  

Maybe you’re still angry that “Bridesmaids” didn’t win a Golden Globe award.

Or maybe it’s the 10 million Valentine’s Day displays everywhere from the car wash to the gynecologist’s office.

This holiday creates the great divide: Singles vs. Couples.

If you’re single, you pray for a real date … or at least a date with George Clooney at Redbox.

If you’re in a relationship, you pray for a gift that doesn’t say “I stopped at Walgreens on my way home.”

This whole mess is a conspiracy between Hallmark and first-grade teachers everywhere who made us make cards with lacey cutouts and gooey glue.

Whoever is at fault, you’ll need some good QuirkOut advice to get through the day.

Single Servings Need Not Apply

Single gals, this is a tough day. And it doesn’t help that Heidi Klum will be alone this year, too.

You watch co-workers get vase after vase of long-stemmed red roses. You’re forced to “aaah” and “oooh” with each delivery or be doomed to eat lunch alone forever.

Netty and her other single friends have a QuirkOut answer. They dine together at the least romantic restaurant in town.

All year they scout for the perfect Diner, Drive-In or Dive that Guy Fieri would fawn over. No candles. No tablecloths. No heart-shaped decorations anywhere.

They talk about work, politics and fashion. Anything but relationships.

And after dinner? They go to a sports bar, of course. With a crowd of single men watching basketball, they hope Cupid’s arrow will find them a Valentine’s Day date for next year.

Lions & Tigers & (Teddy) Bears

Gift giving is a big part of Valentine’s Day for every couple.

What could Brad Pitt possibly get Angelina Jolie? She already has every woman’s perfect present.  

But beware of the dreaded gifts, according to Lanie’s QuirkOut rules.

Rule one: “No stuffed animals after the age of 8 — OK, 18 —
OK, 28. Giving a teddy bear does not say, ‘I love you.’ It says, ‘Speedy recovering from surgery.’ Unless the fuzzy toy has a diamond tennis bracelet around its paw, these husbands have to go into hibernation.”

Rule two: “It’s dangerous to mix Godiva with Victoria’s Secret. After eating a two-pound box of chocolates you think we’re going to expose our tummies in skimpy lingerie?”

Rule three: “Give shoes! Glittery high heels. Who wouldn’t love another pair of shoes?”

And Lanie, no matter how bloated we get from the big Valentine’s dinner out, they still fit like Cinderella’s slipper.

Practical Romance

When Addison was dating Peter, he filled her apartment with hundreds of red heart balloons. She practically swooned when she swam through the Red Sea of Romance.

Now married 15 years with four children, the super-sized surprises have stopped.

So she gave herself permission to enjoy a little harmless QuirkOut flirting.

Whenever possible, she stopped to see the object of her lust: a stunning designer purse that stole her heart. With each visit, the infatuation grew.

But the price tag made her commitment-phobic. That’s when Addison decided that she could only continue this love affair, guilt-free, if it was sanctioned by her husband — as a gift for Valentine’s Day.

It’s the one holiday he can’t deny her heart’s desire.

So just before Valentine’s Day, she paid for the purse with his credit card, had it beautifully gift wrapped and held at the store. That’s right. She told him where to pick up her gift, and he dutifully brought it home. When he handed her the lovely box, he was giving her permission to continue the affair.

We’re happy to report that by Feb. 15, they were all living happily ever after.