Things Women Do | QuirkOut

Don’t you just love the proud new papas, pulling out smart phones to show off photos or (please God, no) videos of their kids.

You’re welcome!

They go on and on at the office about the cutest thing little Billy or Colton or Madison did. And they turn down a baseball game with the guys for Little League with the kids.

Yes, they’ve turned into mothers.

But we’re all for it, whether it’s Ben Affleck toting around baby Samuel in a sling or Brad Pitt marrying his baby mama because the kids kept asking why their parents aren’t married.

It just gives us a little tingle to know that fathers are filling up with the same impossible expectations we set for ourselves. (Or maybe our threats to find trophy husbands have started to work.)

Father may know best, but QuirkOut wisdom is better at explaining things women do to make Father’s Day special.

BALANCING ACT 

When we give gifts to our husbands on Father’s Day, our hearts are in the right place, but sometimes our heads may be in divorce court.

We hate to be so petty, but we have to admit that we play QuirkOut tit-for-tat when it comes to presents. So does Sally. First, she estimates what hubby spent on her for Mother’s Day, and then she matches it. Penny for penny.

The year he bought her a potted plant from Walmart, she gave him a bad tie from Goodwill. But after he got her an Anne Klein watch, she found the time to get him an iPhone4s.

Sally looks at it this way. If she calculated what it really cost her to be a mother — labor pains, sore breasts and lingering baby fat included — she should get a diamond tennis bracelet or better yet, a diamond tennis court. Then she’d happily volley back and keep the score at love-love.

JUST WHAT SHE HAD IN MIND

For years, Lizzy watched “Dancing with the Stars” and dreamed that she and her husband could tango the night away. Right dream, wrong man.

Before

Lenny was so uncoordinated, he was lucky to walk upright.

Poor Lizzy. If she wanted to boogie at weddings, she had to coerce the nearest guy — a groomsman, a cousin or the unsuspecting ring bearer.

After!

But Lizzy hatched a QuirkOut scheme to get them together on the dance floor. She coached her little girl to ask her father, “Daddy, will you teach me how to dance?” When Lenny looked into those big brown eyes, he melted faster than fondue in Switzerland.

Lizzy ceased the misty-eyed moment to sign them up for a class. Then she dipped a little lower by giving the lessons to Lenny as his Father’s Day gift.

Nice footwork Lizzy. We like your smooth move from the living room to the ballroom. Cha-cha-cha.

GOLF WIDOWS UNITE

Caddyshack. A classic.

The best way for Mallory’s husband to celebrate his role as father of three young sons is to spend the day away from his three young sons. It’s not that he doesn’t love them; it’s that he loves golf almost as much.

Golfing is his passion and, as Mallory explains, “It’s a mistress I can never compete with no matter how skinny I get.”

She gets teed off every time he tees off, but on Father’s Day she lets him play without penalty. It’s her QuirkOut concession. And it works out well for her, too. He’s so relaxed after spending a day on the links that he’s delighted to take over with the boys. And Mallory gets a few hours to herself.

This is one Hallmark holiday that makes them both happy. But stay tuned next weekend when there’s another round of fighting about his hobby. Sorry Mallory, guess it’s just par for the course.

Thank you, AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

We hate to state the obvious, but everyone has a mother.

Whether the relationship with your mom is best described as BFF (Best Friends Forever) or DND (Do Not Disturb), she is always part of your DNA (Dominating the Nest Always).

Growing up we came to realize that all mothers are not created equal.

We were jealous of the cool moms who let their daughters shave their legs in the sixth grade and date in middle school. Sitcoms gave us a full buffet of maternal types to envy, from the perfectly patient Carol Brady to the outrageously out-of-control Roseanne.

If you wished for a glam and globe-trotting celebrity mom, remember you would have been named Aleph (Natalie Portman) or Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow) — or our favorite, Diezel Ky (Toni Braxton).

But whatever your mom named you and whatever name you call her to your therapist, let’s give her a hearty QuirkOut! toast on this special day.

MOM-ME

When Anna was pregnant, she fantasized about how special Mother’s Day would be.

Not so much.

Sure, her husband got up early with the baby. Then he brought breakfast in bed, requiring Anna to channel Meryl Streep and act like Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch was all she could hope for.

But with a mother, mother-in-law, stepmother and assorted grandmothers living in the same city, Anna makes more stops than a Southwest flight from Miami to Seattle.

At lunch she dutifully listens to the details of Aunt Ida’s gallbladder surgery and at dinner gets advice from the in-laws like, “Take a nap and you’ll get rid of the dark circles around your eyes.” (If only they’d give her helpful tips, like how to soothe a bitten tongue.)

Anna finally got tired of “Other Mothers’ Day,” so her QuirkOut solution was to create “My Mother’s Day.” It takes place the Saturday before, and the rules are very clear. There’s no cooking, no cleaning and, most importantly, no relatives. Oh, and no breakfast with a cartoon character on the box.

TOUGH LOVE

The pressure is on to honor your mother for her love, dedication and stretch marks.  

But what if she happens to be a star of “Mothers Behaving Badly”?

The overpriced, overcrowded buffet makes her complain about cold scrambled eggs and overcooked roast beef. But ordering off the menu is a nightmare of dishes being brought back to the kitchen and servers being brought to tears.

What’s a girl to do?

Jane passes along a QuirkOut tip. She chooses a restaurant off the beaten path and a time when no one else is dining. She calls it “dunch” (after lunch and before dinner).

“I pull the server aside before we eat and give him a generous tip,” she says. “I explain my mother majored in complaining at college and not to take it personally.”

And with that wad of cash, Jane not only buys herself a little peace at the table, it gives her peace of mind that no one will spit in her food on the way out of the kitchen.

MOTHER KNOWS BEST

We appreciate our mother’s heartfelt advice (especially when we don’t ask) on virtually every subject on Earth. But here’s the translation of what we actually hear:

“Beauty’s only skin deep.” (I better make an appointment with the dermatologist.) 

“Don’t run with scissors.” (Or in Manolo Blahniks.)

“It will all work out … eventually.” (I’m going to marry the guy my parents hate.)

“Be kind to the kid sitting by himself in the corner.” (Someday he’ll be an IT billionaire.)

“Listen to your mother.” (But with a grain of salt from the rim of your margarita glass.)

How are you spending Mother’s Day this year?