Don’t let a belt become a tourniquet
Quick. Count how many belts are in your closet.
Ten? Twenty? More?
If you’re like us, you have hundreds. Thick, thin, leather, vinyl, plain and even plaid. If you have a macramé version, your age is showing — go directly to Goodwill, do not pass “Go.”
The Fashion Police issued citations because our collection includes belts made from comic strips and license plates. We’ve even spent hours squinting while needle-pointing belts for our husbands. And we don’t think we’re the only gals who keep every single one of those cheesy cheap belts that come with dresses on cheap and cheesy hangers.
How did we end up getting lost in the Belt Jungle? Because we took a detour at Fashion Island, populated by stylists and skinny skinny models who look great with leather-cinched waistlines.
So buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Join us for QuirkOut moments and things women do to get this trend under their belt.
MOVING DAY
On “What Not to Wear,” Stacy and Clinton teach us that to look good in our clothes, we don’t actually have to have a waist (thank goodness, we lost ours at the Olive Garden years ago), we only need to create the “illusion” of a waist.
A belt is the best tool of the trade to transform us from SpongeBob SquarePants into a Barbie doll.
But what looks great in the mirror in the morning starts twisting, turning, falling and making you crazy enough to belt out, “Stop the Insanity.” And that’s just by the time you arrive at the office.
First it rides up to your belly, cutting off circulation and making you look like a cross between the Michelin man and Pam Anderson with emphysema. Or it slips down to your crotch, making you look like you forgot to leave the seatbelt in the car where it belongs.
The buckle moves to your left side, then you move it to your right, then you turn it all around. It’s like doing a leather version of the “Hokey Pokey.” But our QuirkOut advice is don’t ‘shake it all about” or the guy from accounting will think you’re ready to go on a date with him after all.
SO MANY BELTS, SO FEW THAT FIT
Those of us who battle the bulge know the frustration with buying belts to fit at your waist, only to gain a few pounds and find you actually bought a tourniquet.
Jessica knows this struggle well and has come up with a QuirkOut solution.
She explains, “As my weight fluctuates, I store the belts in Goldilocks fashion. One box says “Belts — too big” and another box says “Belts — too small.” The ones that are “just right” get to live in my closet until I break up with my boyfriend and go on a Haagen-Dazs binge. Then the “too bigs” come back to the closet and those in the closet go to “too small.”
The only way we can improve Jessica’s system is to add a note inside the “too small” box reminding her to lay off the porridge.
MARKING MY TERRITORY
Jayelle Hughes, author of “Men Don’t Matter” (which is a big hit at the divorce support group), does not like to repeat outfits. Even when it comes to her jeans. As a freelance writer who works from home, jeans are a staple. But even then, she wants to wear a different pair every day.
Her QuirkOut solution is simple. She leaves her belt in the last pair she wore, as a kind of signal flag that screams, “Danger. Do Not Repeat.”
What a simple way to keep track. It makes us think that we should somehow label those ex-husbands in the same way. Sorry to hit below the belt, guys.
