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Tag Archives: Tums

When bombs burst in midair, look for your kids

Posted on 07/01/2012 by in holidays

 

Remember when skyrockets in flight meant an afternoon delight? Now it means driving across county lines to the fireworks shack for bottle rockets, then to Home Depot for a fire extinguisher. We pray that when the kids shoot off Roman candles it doesn’t bring down the house — or an empire.

How can we not love a holiday that requires baking a cake that looks like the American flag? Or patriotic parfaits with red and blue Jell-O, topped with homemade whipped cream (oh, admit it, it’s Cool Whip).  

This is the one day that Old Glory doesn’t refer to your husband’s college years. Instead it’s plastered on the front of your family’s matching Old Navy T-shirts.

But before you fire up the grill, light up some QuirkOut sparklers in honor of things women do to let freedom ring.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Every year Janice takes her family to a park for the spectacular fireworks display. She serves cold cuts and then gets hot under the collar when the kids run between blankets like they were NASCAR drivers. Eventually everyone gets settled down for the big show.

There’s just one problem. After the final boom blasts, the crowds head to their cars to spend hours waiting to get out of the parking garages. But Janice won’t let anything rear end her fun. Her QuirkOut plan is to park right next to the “up” ramp. Then she simply drives down the empty lane. It takes a little maneuvering. So Janice is in the driver’s seat and her husband goes along for the ride. And the kids? They’re in the back seat, paying close attention so they can demonstrate this special skill for their driver’s ed teachers.

LOST AND FOUND

We can’t wait for the holiday festivals. That’s when we pay heartfelt tribute to the founding fathers by watching grown men snarf hot dogs in the name of friendly competition. When it’s over, please pass them the Tums, then be a good citizen and eat your deep fried Twinkies, the official sponsor of July 4.

Betsy loves all this chaos. But she won’t leave home without her secret weapon — and it’s not SPF 1,000 sunscreen or Guerilla Warfare bug spray. It’s her black Sharpie.

Because while we gather to honor the birth of our country, she honors the birth of her children — by making sure they come back home with her. She takes that permanent marker and writes her cell phone number on their arms. This way, if they wander in search of cotton candy to maintain their sugar buzz, some kind stranger can call her to pick them up. Think of it as family FedEx for federal holidays.

Sure, it takes several days of scrubbing to remove the black ink, but she’ll take that over digging through the lost and found any day.

COOL DOWN BABY

It’s the middle of summer and we’re sweating more than the producers waiting for Lindsay Lohan to show up every day on the set of the Elizabeth Taylor movie.

It’s hard to look sophisticated while using a napkin to wipe the flowing perspiration off your brow and your bra. And there’s no wearing a nightie to the

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neighborhood picnic, no matter how many times you’ve worn it to drive carpool.

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